What To Do When One Loses Oneself
Finding oneself after losing who we were during a narcissistic abusive relationship can be one of the most challenging and most painful experiences we will engage in after the separation.
Note: I have been published in a book called “Empathic Warriors Survival Stories“. If you are looking for a bit of inspiration feel free to give this book a read.
What To Do When One Loses Oneself
Challenging because many of us have been told day in, and day out how worthless we are, how bad we are, how stupid and worthless we are.
Hearing this enough times can start to make us believe these lies.
There was an interesting study case that had revealed (which I cannot find for the life of me) that showed that it takes around 10 to 15 positive remarks to undo ONE BAD REMARK!
Read that again to absorb what I am trying to get at.
If you are told nothing but negativity for months, years, DECADES of your life…this can mess up your emotional well being, and you can damage your self-esteem and psyche due to these negative thoughts!
As much as I hate admitting it, words seem to have some level of power over how people perceive themselves.
This is why I argue that learning how not to give a flip and learning to put yourself first is NOT A BAD THING — especially when you live in a world where people just want to tear you down so that they can feel good about themselves.
This is the challenging part — but it can be overcome with meditation, telling yourself powerful and uplifting quotes, accepting their discard and hatred, and speaking affirmations that YOU TELL YOURSELF daily!
It is not easy — but it d*mn sure is worth fighting for.
Why Is It Painful?
It will be painful trying to recover from your loss of self because you are going to replay over and over all the times you acquiesce to things that you didn’t want to do — just to make these clowns happy.
This realization is painful because you will see yourself as a coward, as a toy, as a joke, as garbage for giving so much of your life to someone and for them to discard you as if you were nothing.
And this is exactly what they want.
I know this from personal history…being rejected, fired, discarded, made a fool in front of hundreds…thousands!
Narcissistic people get a kick out of hurting and damaging people for their own pleasure.
The pain you will feel when trying to rediscover and connect with your former self will be the hardest thing in the world.
So much shame, guilt, anger, resentment, and sadness for letting yourself down.
God! It’s not so much what they did to us…but what we allowed to happen to us!
But what I do, and maybe it could work for you, is write out in a journal the lesson that I learned from being with these people.
I write it out in a way that shows what I was seeing, feeling, and allowing to happen to me.
I write everything off my chest but in a way that is meant to educate someone.
And that someone is my future child.
See, what I do is write and see the experience as something that I went through so that my future child will never have to go through.
The pain in my writing will be more than enough for them to understand and be a better person!
I go through this so that they don’t have to!
Doing this helps me get back in touch with who I am and become so much stronger, wiser, and better because of it.
Narcissistic people are legion…they will never go away.
And the flame of destruction that burns in their dark hearts, so too burn in my heart but more in a positive and uplifting manner.
To lose who we are, the greatness that lies in all of us is what the narc wants…and I refuse ever again to lose who I am.
Sometimes we have to lose who we are so that we can find ourselves all over and have a greater appreciation for who we are!
“When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as
the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.” ― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
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Struggling With C-PTSD?
I often say that living with a narcissist is like living in a war zone! This comparison may very well seem hyperbolic, but research has shown that living around narcissists can have the same effects on a person’s mind as people living in a war zone!
I wrote an article describing the “10+ Mental Illnesses Caused By Staying With Narcissists“.
These people are monsters, plain and simple.
If you are struggling with emotional flashbacks, dealing with mental and emotional battles that NO ONE but yourself seems to see and feel, and if you find it hard to get out of bed every day, you may be dealing with C-PTSD.
As great as support groups may be, or as profound as articles can be, they are no substitute for professional help.
Sometimes the best way to heal and move forward is with therapy.
Speaking with someone and getting the hurt off your chest is a great way to unload.
Online Therapy is a site that offers visitors the chance to speak with professional therapists who will be able to help you get through your emotional and psychological battles.
If you sign up with my link, you can get 20% off your first month’s session.