What Are Push And Pull Factors In A Narcissistic Relationship?
I often write ad naseum this idea that when a narcissist rejects us that the best thing we can do is to ACCEPT the rejection 110%!
Give my article “Accept The Silent Treatment and You Win!“
Narcissists are kidults, and they like to play these silly games of “catch me if you can.“
In their kidult minds, they believe they are a catch and they a prize to be won.
So in their minds, nothing titillates it more than to have someone beg for them. Cry over them. To chase after them. And plead for them to be back in their lives.
Narcissists love to push people away just to string them back to them as if their relationship was nothing more than a yo-yo toy!
As a matter of fact, that is what these kidults see us as; nothing more than a toy for their pleasure.
Our pain gives them a sense of power. Our tears give them a sense of satisfaction, our pleas to get back in their life gives them a sense that they are such a catch.
To narcissists, nothing is more fun than to push us away, only to be able to pull us back whenever they want.
And this is why you must accept the discard, rejection, the silent treatment, and when they push you away!
What Are Push And Pull Factors In A Narcissistic Relationship?
Before I continue, I believe that it is very important for us to continue to repeat this mindset over and over that we must accept their rejection.
I write articles repeating the same messages because many of us have been inundated with a toxic message from the narcissist for years to decades that we are nothing without them.
We are SO MUCH MORE without them ~ but they are scared that we will figure this out.
I am here to continually remind us that we can become whatever we want to become without them in our lives!
Now, back to my message!
Why Accept The Push ~ What Are Push and Pull Factors
To a narcissist, they cannot fathom someone being able to live without them in their lives. And they cannot fathom someone being pushed away and that person STAYING AWAY!
They cannot think like this because their kidult minds would not be able to handle rejection.
Their minds would not be able to handle a silent treatment. It would not be able to handle someone pushing them away!
In their minds, that feeling of being abandoned would send them into a maelstrom of insanity.
Or in their case, their maelstrom of insanity would be that much more powerful.
I often write about how batsh*t insane these people are! I believe that they are not playing with a full deck!
Here is an answer on Quora that I wrote for the question, “Why doesn’t the narcissist just go away and leave you alone?“
In this post, I liken narcissists to the Joker. And I believe us Empaths and just sane people need to be like Batman.
To a narcissist causing us pain is their raison d’être!
It is what their whole lives are all about!
So when we go along with the rejection, the discard, accept the silent treatment, ignore the smear campaign, what we are doing is showing them HOW LITTLE THEY MATTER, THAT THEY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER US, and THAT WE DO NOT NEED THEM IN OUR LIVES TO BE HAPPY!
This DESTROYS their ego on a massive level.
My Testimony ~ What Are Push and Pull Factors
In my journeys abroad, I worked a job as a dishwasher at this restaurant for about maybe 5 or 6 weeks in Melbourne, Australia.
I am American!
The first week or two, the chef in the kitchen was elated to have me there. He would cook meals for me and invite me to dinners at night with the crew.
Now, dishwashing is NOT a demanding job, and I was doing a great job, as mentioned by him and the crew.
But I noticed week three that when I would come to work, as usual for the past two weeks, I would smile and say hello, and there was a sort of cold and distance I would receive from him and the crew.
I thought nothing of it and would continue with the job.
Week four, I would notice he would prepare meals for everyone and not me, so I started bringing my own meals.
I would also notice he would have conversations with everyone and ask their opinion and just say nothing to me.
And that was okay…in my mind; I was just thinking, “I am here just to do a job. No need to make it personal!“
Week 5 I started to see him nitpick everything I did, but I still obliged and did the job.
By this time, I had known something was up, but I had not then known what narcissism was, but I did have the level of self-respect not to ask why he was giving me the cold shoulder.
If he didn’t want to talk, that was okay with me.
The last week, I had gotten all the money I needed to move on, but I did not tell anyone at the job. And the last day I went, I was going just to quit after I got the money.
As I was doing the job, he came over to me and said, “can I speak to you outside for a second?“
I said, sure!
And this is what went down:
Narcissistic Covert Boss: Hey, (My Real Name)! Things are just not working out with you here, and I think I will have to let you go!
Me: Sure! No dramas. I understand!
Narcissistic Covert Boss: Yeah, because you don’t look like you want to be here.
Me: Sure! No dramas!
Narcissistic Covert Boss: Yeah, because you look like you are not happy here.
Me: Sir, I get your point!
Narcissistic Covert Boss: (He is taken aback for a second) You seem…OKAY with this!
Me: Hey! I get it! I don’t want you to waste your money on me if I am not doing the JOB correctly. And it is okay; I will just find another job elsewhere. No dramas!
Narcissistic Covert Boss: A STUNNED DAZED LOOK as he GRIT HIS TEETH!
There was a silence for about ten seconds.
Narcissistic Covert Boss: O-o-Okay! Thanks for understanding!
Me: (Smiling) Hey, no problem, and THANKS for the opportunity!
I noticed that one of his lackeys came out after we spoke, and they were out there for about 15 minutes.
The lackey came in and shook my hand and said, “I heard you are leaving; it was nice to know you.”
Me: Likewise! (As I shook is hand and smiled)
What Went Down ~ What Are Push and Pull Factors
Now before I had known what narcissism is, I did see the irrationality in people. I just didn’t know what it was!
What the Covert Narcissistic Boss was trying to do, was to instill in me that I was not good enough for him, the crew, or the job!
By not making a fuss, asking what I did wrong, or pleading to keep the job, I caused cognitive dissonance in him.
The dazed look followed by the gritting of teeth was all I needed to know that I did the right thing.
He was expecting me to say, “Okay, I will change.”
“Pwease! Pwease! I need this job!”
“Oh masta boss, sir. I sure am sad I made you upset.”
By keeping my cool and accepting the discard that took him off his heels, he didn’t know how to handle it.
They Do Not Want Us To See Our Worth ~ What Are Push and Pull Factors
I wrote an article about “Why The Narcissist Devalues Us,” in that article, I use a great metaphor (or at least I think it is) where a narcissist is a pawn shop owner; we are a person selling our self-esteem.
The narcissist sees our self-esteem as highly valuable. They want to buy it, but they don’t want to pay too much, and they don’t want us to see the worth otherwise, we will go elsewhere and have someone else value our self-esteem.
Narcissists are terrified of us knowing our worth because once we know it, we will not put up with them ever again!
They are such kidults.
The devaluing, the discard, the rejection, the pushing away, and the distancing are all tactics that make us doubt our worth.
When we accept these antics and move on, it causes massive confusion for them.
They don’t know how to think or act.
Believe me, they will regret it.
How do I know?
Because many of the narcs who discarded me ALWAYS reached out a month later or even a year later with that “Hey! How are you doing! Goo-goo Gaa-gaa” message.
Now, knowing what they are, I delete and block their messages immediately after we discard.
They lose out on us; we do not lose out on them!
Struggling With C-PTSD?
I often say that living with a narcissist is like living in a war zone! This comparison may very well seem hyperbolic, but research has shown that living around narcissists can have the same effects on a person’s mind as people living in a war zone!
I wrote an article describing the “10+ Mental Illnesses Caused By Staying With Narcissists“.
These people are monsters, plain and simple.
If you are struggling with emotional flashbacks, dealing with mental and emotional battles that NO ONE but yourself seems to see and feel, and if you find it hard to get out of bed every day, you may be dealing with C-PTSD.
As great as support groups may be, or as profound as articles can be, they are no substitute for professional help.
Sometimes the best way to heal and move forward is with therapy.
Speaking with someone and getting the hurt off your chest is a great way to unload.
Online Therapy is a site that offers visitors the chance to speak with professional therapists who will be able to help you get through your emotional and psychological battles.
If you sign up with my link, you can get 20% off your first month’s session.