If you are trying to leave your narcissist but find yourself constantly going back to them. You may be wondering, “Why no contact is so difficult to do“?
Well, to answer this question, it has very little to do with your feelings (romantically speaking), and more so with your neurology and biology. What do I mean by this? Well, allow me to elucidate.
For people who have just started “No Contact“, they may feel like they NEED to call that person. They may feel hurt not talking to the person. And they may even fall physically ill from not being in contact with their narcissist.
(Broken heart syndrome is a thing. And it makes me believe this is exactly what narcissist are after when they discard us or push us away.)
This is not uncommon, and as a matter of fact, this seems to be a common trend among many Narcissistic Support Groups.
People find it very difficult to go, or remain, NO CONTACT.
And you may be wondering; why?
Why do we want to get back with someone who has:
- Lied to us
- Used us
- Hurt us (mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and physically)
- Manipulated us
- Sabotaged us
- Character Assassinated Us
- Showed us NO SIGNS OF REAL LOVE OR COMPASSION
- and so MUCH MORE
(I hope you see what I am trying to show you here)
The reason, as mentioned, has very little to do with your emotions and more so with your neurology and biology.
Note: This blog contains affiliate links (which I will remind you of once again when you get there). It is my goal to help as many people become aware of narcs. I also want to help many people heal from their narc relationship. If you find anything that I have written poignant please share. And if you feel like purchasing any books that I recommend please purchase with my link as that really helps out my website. Much appreciated. “We laugh NOT to tease…but to heal.” Stay Strong.
Why No Contact Is Difficult
Reason # 1 – Love Is A Drug
Love is a drug. Be careful not to overdose
This is something we hear a lot in society.
When you fall in love, it’s…intoxicating.
This is not a hyperbolic statement.
Addictive love (or ROMANTIC LOVE) activates the same area of the brain where drug addiction is located.
Let me repeat that again, just in case you didn’t read that and absorb it the first time.
And much like a person who is trying to kick a drug addiction they:
- want to use it
- fall physically ill from not using it
- think about it constantly
- need a support group to KEEP from using it (and this is not a bad thing)
What I am trying to say is that YES…it is hard to go no contact. And this is because as empaths…WE LOVE.
And love is not something that you can just simply kick.
But…you must understand that NARCISSIST DO NOT LOVE.
People who have NPD cannot love because their neurology is not the same as ordinary people. They have no empathy. However, narcissists do (potentially) have the ability to change themselves.
This is perhaps one of the major reasons as to why so many of us seek to stay or go back to them. We are holding on, hoping they will see the error of their way.
Reason # 2 – Narcissist Are Psychological Warriors
Narcissists are psychological warriors.
What do I mean by this?
Well, narcissists know how to manipulate people. They are masters of playing on people’s psychology.
As empaths, we are emotional warriors. We try and elevate people and SEE THE GOOD IN PEOPLE.
Sounding a bit familiar?
For us, seeing a person doing good in life makes us happy. Empaths have an emotion called compersion.
We get elated seeing other people happy and successful in life. Compersion is the opposite of envy.
When we are given the opportunity to help someone become a better version of themselves, we jump at the opportunity.
But that is not how it is for narcissists. They get bliss from destroying people.
And that is the narcissist’s bread and butter in life.
Our goal of helping them to become a better person is all the fuel they need to keep tearing us down.
They wage their irrational wars on us by:
- Brainwashing Us ( repeated phrases over an over can do that)
- Devaluing Us (Why the Narc Devalues Us)
- Tearing down our boundaries
- Trampling our validation
- Putting on a mask that they know we love
- Making us question of own sanity (gaslighting)
Reason # 3 – Your Hope Is Fooling You
As I mentioned earlier on in reason number one, near the end, our hope is something that keeps bringing us back.
Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder are not the same things. Although people use these phrases interchangeably.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a Mental Disorder. Narcissism is a personality trait.
Because narcissism is a personality trait, there is a chance that a person can change and they can change through therapy.
There have been hundreds of observational studies that have shown that personalities can be changed.
Again, this harkens back to why so many of us desire to get back with our narcissist. Because we are holding on to this idea that they can change and that they will change…for us.
Reason # 4 – We Are Hardwired To Connect With Others
Human beings are hardwired to connect with other human beings. This is something that is just in our DNA. So for many of us who may think we have found our “life-partner” simply giving them up and moving on with our lives is not always the easiest thing to do.
We are living in an age now, where forming a relationship with another person is becoming very difficult. Many cultural and social changes have really shifted the way that people perceive relationships.
Thus making preserving long-term relationships a very difficult challenge.
However, despite this challenge, there are still many who WANT and desire a relationship for life.
So again, for many who think they have found their life partner and then all of a sudden being brushed to the side causes that person to still desire to be with that person because of that union and connection they previously had.
Reason # 5 – We Don’t Think We Can Find Someone Again (Fear)
Lastly, this is one that many of us feel deep down inside, and something that many of our narcissists see, or maybe even want from us.
That we cannot find someone better.
The sting of being discarded by a narcissist makes us feel like we are worthless. And this is especially true when the narcissist discards us and finds someone else immediately after breaking up with us.
This discarding phase destroys our sense of self-worth and the only way that many of us think we can get our self-worth back is by getting back with them.
Stay Strong And Reach Out For Help
Whether you went a month, two weeks, or two days…the fact that you are going NO Contact is a great thing.
You may feel weak — HELL you will — but in these times reach out to a support group.
Reach out for people who will KEEP you strong in these trying and difficult times.
No contact will make you stronger in the end and you will learn how to place up barriers.
Struggling With C-PTSD?
I often say that living with a narcissist is like living in a war zone! This comparison may very well seem hyperbolic, but research has shown that living around narcissists can have the same effects on a person’s mind as people living in a war zone!
I wrote an article describing the “10+ Mental Illnesses Caused By Staying With Narcissists“.
These people are monsters, plain and simple.
If you are struggling with emotional flashbacks, dealing with mental and emotional battles that NO ONE but yourself seems to see and feel, and if you find it hard to get out of bed every day, you may be dealing with C-PTSD.
As great as support groups may be, or as profound as articles can be, they are no substitute for professional help.
Sometimes the best way to heal and move forward is with therapy.
Speaking with someone and getting the hurt off your chest is a great way to unload.
Online Therapy is a site that offers visitors the chance to speak with professional therapists who will be able to help you get through your emotional and psychological battles.
If you sign up with my link, you can get 20% off your first month’s session.