The Regret Ignoring The Red Signs
He picked up on it and said “I know what you’re going to say, we’re not even married” and then he threw his hand in the air and said “we can get married” and that ladies and gentleman was my proposal after 6 years of all I’ve endured!
This was also my 20th sign I shouldn’t have married him, but I thought he was the love of my life and like a young dummy with no self-worth at the time I went through with it.
He worked at Einstein Bagels and I worked for an auto financing company making pretty good money; I also picked up a second job at Starbucks to pay for a Golf Course wedding with no help from either of our parents. I kicked into gear, worked massive hours and pulled a wedding out of my ass in 3 months before he could change his mind! The years went on and I took the horrible behavior from him, his mom and his family. In addition, I tolerated his lack of involvement with the little bit of family I had and his disinterest in participating in our life together.
Fast forward to 2016, I had slipped into a dark depressive state due to many different things; him, work and life and he became the coldest human being I’ve ever known. After taking care of him our whole life together, right when I needed him the most he kicked me while I was down.
Throughout the years I noticed messed up things he did and I could never put my finger on it. I would always tell people “something is not right about him.”
Benefit Of The Doubt
He never accepts responsibility for any of his actions, he extremely lacks empathy and can’t put himself in other people’s shoes unless he experiences what they are going through” but I gave his behavior a huge benefit of the doubt because we got together so young and I just thought he needed to grow up.
Once I began journaling, reflecting on all his behaviors and trying to figure out why I always had anxiety when he would come home from a work trip, I realized it was because he was always judging me and putting me down.
He judged what I cooked, where I put stuff in the kitchen, the sweats I wore and how I combed my hair (to name a few). I remember looking on (enviously) at his interactions with other people and longing for him to treat me with such kindness.
To this day, I’ll never understand why I got the worst version of him. Everyone else in his life thinks he’s amazing but he treated me like the scum of the Earth- while I loved and took care of him.
After years of covert emotional abuse, I was severely suicidal and broken down to the studs, I allowed him to become my world and my world as I knew it was crumbling. One day I found a pin on Pinterest that said if you know someone with these 10 traits they may be a narcissist, and he had ALL 10!
After some extensive research, I discovered he was a covert narcissist– and it all made sense! As I looked back on our whole life I realized I had been through all of the stages of dating a narcissist- love bomb, idealize, devalue and discard and because I was now depressed and not the strong woman I was when we met I was useless to him and was now being discarded.
After overcoming foster care, purchasing a home at 19, founding a nonprofit and self-publishing a book; when I looked in the mirror I was a shell of my old self and did not recognize the woman staring back at me. Once a fearless, independent woman who refused to be a statistic- he was successful in completely breaking me down.
It was devastating when it hit me because I truly thought he was my “person” and was the one who was going to finally love me after so many years of feeling unlovable. When you have 2 alcoholic parents and float through foster care, self-worth is pretty scarce.
It’s ironic because, at my wedding, my sister (who I raised) gave a speech and said “Chelsie has been taking care of people all her life, I’m glad she’ll finally have someone to take care of her”- what a joke.