Shame Shifting: “Here! Take My Shame For Me.”
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”― Brene Brown
Several things hurt narcissists. Examples being, not being given attention at ALL HOURS OF THE DAY! Not being the center of attention at your friend’s three-year-old birthday party. And not getting what they want when they want it.
Narcissistic people are in every sense of the word KIDULTS. They have no emotional regulation.
Much like a child who spills milk on the kitchen counter and feels SHAME for what they did, so too will a narc feel shame for doing wrong and being found out.
A child who spills milk will feel shame for what they did. They will fear retribution for their actions.
So to avoid the shame and to avoid being punished for their deeds, what the child will do is point the finger elsewhere.
It is not uncommon for a child to say, “I didn’t do it,” hoping that parents will go on their way.
But if the parents then proceed to ask the child “who did it then,” the child will most likely say it was his imaginary friend.
Narcissistic people are no different than the small child who places blames on others to avoid feeling shame.
And here is why.
Shame Shifting: “Here! Take My Shame For Me.”
Shame is a HEAVY burden to bear. It makes us feel as if we are NOT good enough.
Those of us who have left the narc and have exited the “Narcissistic Matrix” now see the narc for what they are and feel SHAME for ever loving them. We feel even more shame for staying with them for so long and putting up with their nonsense.
So, what is shame shifting?
Shame Shifting is not too dissimilar to blameshifting.
It is passing off your shame to others so that you no longer have to carry it.
Narcissistic people, overlooking their facade/mask, are people who have a massive inferiority complex.
These people feel so crappy about who they are, hence their need to make others feel crappy.
This is why they project, gaslight, and devalue people.
If they can convince others to feel shameful about who they are, then maybe people will overlook what an embarrassing mess they really are.
Shame Shifting Is A Diversion Tactic
Those of us who have been with a narc know by now that these people will NEVER take accountability for their actions. They are scared of responsibility. And even more scared of being a MATURE ADULT.
The tactics of shames shifting they employ are:
- Reminding you of a mess up you did…5 years ago!
- Comparing you to other men or women (they do this to make you feel like you are not good enough. If you feel shameful about your body type, body structure, or special body appendages…you will second guess leaving their worthless lives.)
- Complimenting strangers on how good they look and then saying wishing “My partner did that”…IN FRONT OF THE STRANGER.
Narcs are obssessed with making people feel shameful about who they are.
This is why you have some people go out their way to always insert a person’s skin tone into a conversation.
“I wouldn’t date this skin tone person.”
These people are a joke. They get a kick out of making people feel bad about who they are.
And they do this because they feel like SH*T about themselves.
How To Deal With Shame Shifting?
LAUGH IT OFF.
When they bring something you did embarrasing a week ago, a month ago, or years ago.
LAUGH IT OFF.
“Yeah, that was silly. But I learned SO MUCH from it. Remember when you did “such and such”? What did you learn from that?”
And then watch that smirk run off their face.
When they compare you to other people. Say, “Yeah! They do have a nice body. So does this (opposite sex) have a nice body as well. I guess we both have so much to improve.”
Watch the grimace of BURN come across their face.
And also remember to smile.
And when they compare you to others in FRONT OF OTHERS. Laugh it off and say, “They are so right. I wish I had what you had. And look for someone else in close proximity and point out how you wish your partner had what that other person had.“
Laugh and smile while you do so.
Do Not Give Them The Power Of Determining Your Value
Now, when I say to laugh and smile, it is not meant to serve as a means of teasing them. But to show them, “YOUR WORDS AND OPINION HAVE NO VALUE TO ME. YOU CANNOT HURT ME.”
This completely disarms these losers and shows them that YOU are not shameful of who you are.
This will hurt them because their whole goal is to make you feel shameful, but if you remind them of their flaws, they are trying so desperately to make you overlook, that will slap them right back down to earth.
These people are losers.
Once you remind them of that…they will start backing off.
To normal people, telling a lie about us riles us up.
To a narc, telling the TRUTH about them riles them up.
Don’t take on their shame.
That is a weight you need not carry.
Struggling With C-PTSD?
I often say that living with a narcissist is like living in a war zone! This comparison may very well seem hyperbolic, but research has shown that living around narcissists can have the same effects on a person’s mind as people living in a war zone!
I wrote an article describing the “10+ Mental Illnesses Caused By Staying With Narcissists“.
These people are monsters, plain and simple.
If you are struggling with emotional flashbacks, dealing with mental and emotional battles that NO ONE but yourself seems to see and feel, and if you find it hard to get out of bed every day, you may be dealing with C-PTSD.
As great as support groups may be, or as profound as articles can be, they are no substitute for professional help.
Sometimes the best way to heal and move forward is with therapy.
Speaking with someone and getting the hurt off your chest is a great way to unload.
Online Therapy is a site that offers visitors the chance to speak with professional therapists who will be able to help you get through your emotional and psychological battles.
If you sign up with my link, you can get 20% off your first month’s session.