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Why The Pain Doesn’t Go Away After Going No Contact

Picture to illustrate

Why isn’t No Contact working? 

Why do I still feel so much…PAIN?

Pain. We felt pain when we were with the narc, and we feel pain after leaving the narc.

Hurt. We felt hurt emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and physically while being with the narc. And we feel injured, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and physically after leaving the narc.

Read my “Why No Contact Is So Hard” article to understand why we feel physical discomfort and sickness when we aren’t with our narcissist. It has very little to do with “love”.

Loneliness. We felt lonely while being with the narc… and we feel lonely after leaving the narc.

Whether with the narc or without the narc, we still feel pain, hurt, and loneliness.

And I hear many people ask…

When…when will this anguish…end?

And the answer is…

Note: This blog may contain affiliate links. 

Why The Pain Doesn’t Stop

The hurt and anguish that we feel can feel at times all-consuming. It consumes our every waking hour, minute, and second.

Our anguish becomes the sole thought of our waking hours. It is said that we have around 50,000 – 70,000 thoughts across a day, with 70% of them being negative.

WITH 70% of them being NEGATIVE!!!!!

Please read the full article Average Brain Has Up To 50,000 Daily Thoughts And 70% Of Them Are Negative

How sad is it that of these thousands of thoughts that we have, that a vast majority are around people we WISH NOT TO THINK ABOUT.

These thoughts…can drive us mad.

I know.

Dear eternity…I know.

The thoughts of my negative past with my narcissists drove me so MAD with rage that it brought me to the hospital.

Stress, anxiety, and SEVERE DEPRESSION was killing me inside. It was eating me away.

Despite not being with the narcissist anymore, the thoughts of what they did were still causing me so much anguish.

And this is what narcissists love to hear. It gives their ego a huge boost knowing they can destroy a life.

Despite it being a full year and a half, my thoughts were still eating me away.

I fumed at that idea that they could lie to me, use me, manipulate me, gossip about me, and dare try to control me.

I was hurting…hurting long after they had left my life.

So Why Do We Feel Hurt?

The hurt that we feel is due to our thoughts. As the article explains, we have most of our thoughts being negative. And many of our thoughts are recurring thoughts.

Meaning they are thoughts that we may have thoughts about the day before, the week before, and the year before.

It is our thoughts that are hurting us and keeping us to feel anguish, hate, rage, shame, humiliation, and any other negative feelings that you can think of.

We feel hurt because we KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE NARCISSIST.

And yes, I know for many they want to NOT think about the narcissist. For many, they also don’t like the idea that the narcissist will get away with wronging us.

And that is a valid point.

But the reason that we still feel hurt, anguish, and suffering is because of our thoughts.

And just a quick lesson; in life, we will always be hurt.

But suffering…suffering is a choice.

Man’s Search For Meaning

In “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Victor Frankl, the author accounts for his time in the concentration camps. Victor Frankl, to those who may be unaware of the man, was a Holocaust survivor who loses his family to the insanity of the Nazi regime.

Quick Note: They weren’t just racist (which is in itself a form of narcissism) these people were insane. Anyone who gets pleasure from harming another human being is a lunatic at the highest level. 

Victor Frankl, despite losing his family, his humanity (for a while), and almost his life found a reason to live. He found meaning in his life WHILE STILL in the concentration camps.

This man was able to survive the depravity of the Nazi regime and go on to find meaning in life.

He is the man to whom we coin the phrase…

Suffering is a choice.

He could not change the situation he was going through. But he could change his perspective and thoughts on how he felt with the situation going on.

And thus have control over his life. By controlling his thoughts and the way, he perceived his harrowing situation, he was able to keep his sanity.

And we (and understand that I am NOT trying to elevate our sorrows to the concentration camp or devalue his suffering to ours — although living with narcissists is NO walk in the park) must learn to view what has happened in a new light.

We must see the wrongs they have done to us as lessons. Lessons that have taught us what type of people to never allow in our lives again.

If we didn't have the dark skies, we could never see the stars.  Click To Tweet

I really cannot do ANY type of justice in summarizing this MUST READ book in this article. I highly recommend that you give his book a read.

If the narcissists still hurt you, then his story will truly inspire you to move on and find meaning ONCE again in your life.

If No Dark Skies We Couldn’t See The Stars

We are always going to be hurt in life. We are still going to have people let us down in life. And we are always going to make choices that we wish we didn’t.

Because life…life is a lesson to which we must always learn from.

And I know for many who have been with a narcissist that life can feel unbearable after leaving them for a host of reasons.

But it is ALWAYS our power to move on.

Waiting for the apology, for them to change, or for them to see the errors of their way will only kill us more and more inside each day.

In learning that there are just people like them out in the world and that NOTHING will change them — we are now more PREPARED ever to allow their type back in your life.

This may not be the answer you want.

But it is the answer you NEED.

And as life goes on, you will later discover (assuming you keep on looking for MEANING) that you are in control of your life.

The more you ruminate over the narcissist, the more the narc wins.

Moving on and being happy, successful, finding a loving partner, and finding YOUR MEANING IN LIFE is the ultimate revenge.

You defeat the narc without even fighting them.

And that…that is a power they will NEVER have.

No Shame In Therapy

Narcissistic people can do a wonder on someone’s mind and psychology. 

In fact, I wrote an article called “10+ Mental Illnesses Caused By Staying With A Narcissists“.

The narcissists and their legion of fools can slowly drive you insane. And sometimes the best help you can ever receive is from a stranger. 

When everyone around you is trying to convince you that YOU are the bad person, sometimes an objective view of you from someone you don’t know maybe what saves you from drowning in the sea of insanity the narc and their legion of fools try and drown you in. 

Therapy can help heal in ways that reading blogs, listening to videos, and talking with other WARRIORS (we are not survivors, we are warriors) can ever do. 

Join my Facebook Fan Page “No Shame In Therapy” to get a 20% discount on your first-month session, as well as articles and updates on the benefits of therapy.

Narcs have a legion of fools behind them to hurt you, I think it would be a good thing to build your own army of warriors and allies to help stand by your side. 

About Author

I call myself the Rational Humorist. Narcs to me are cancer to humanity. The only way to beat cancer is to fight back against it.

The best way to defeat a narc is to see them as the jokes they are.

(2) Comments

  1. Debbie Finley says:

    I agree .I am trying to move forward and it is so hard and i have been no contact for almost 60 days.He told me that he was blocking me.He went back to his main supply and she took him back.He’s been doing it to her for 8 yrs.

    1. Reason87 says:

      In time you will be strong enough to not even think about him anymore. The reason it is so hard os because being in love is like being on drugs. Romantic love lights up the same area of the brain where users of drugs find pleasure and addiction.

      You find it hard because you are going through your process of purging the narc out of your life. Like an addict who goes cold turkey, you will find it hard.

      But I promise if you stick with the no contact you will see your ex-narc for what he is.

      Stay strong.

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