Mastering Alchemy: Turning Negativity Into Positivity
Written By: Daniela Grageda
Here is a starter for you, dear reader, to contemplate:
Would you rather have a bully and be unable to speak up or have a bully and be “dis-abled” to do so?
My story is a bit different…
Mastering Alchemy: Turning Negativity Into Positivity
To have a bully and be able to speak up is one thing, but to have a bully (or multiple) and not be able to say something to them because of a language barrier, is another.
Here is a letter I write to the ones who demolished my few years of childhood, but who also catapulted me to explore my psyche, to go within, and to become the most magical being I am today.
Dear peers from my youth,
Sit back and come along behind the scenes of the one you came to somewhat “know” through your judgments & close-mindedness…
When my mom, twin sister, and I migrated from Mexico to Arizona at the age of nine (when my mom and dad were separating), I’d say I was enthusiastically looking forward to the “new experience,” regardless of not knowing the language (English).
As far as I remember, though, my excitement abruptly subsided in the first few weeks.
Here, I commenced a voyage of the darkest years a child could, yet shouldn’t bear.
My mother became a stranger way too soon – the “family” structure crumbled by not having a dad around.
My mother’s family (which were long time residents/citizens of Arizona by the time we arrived), were cold, sarcastic & judgemental.
They joked & played harshly with words, and as a sensitive being myself, I felt overwhelmed, having no freedom to express & defend myself.
I’d otherwise get scolded and smacked/hit with a belt or a shoe (this was rare, and only an unintelligent tactic to get us scared). I still would get my slip-ins to “speak back” but never went “too far.”
Apart from that, the school was detrimental. You, my peers, though excited to have international students from another country, took advantage of our (sister and me) inability to comprehend English — yet through time, I learned to understand what you were saying and how you truly felt about us.
I can remember how some of you (girls) would glare & judge between your group of friends. Spoken or not spoken, the energy was intrusive nevertheless.
Truthfully, I cannot say what it was that encapsulated you to speak so much of us and treat us like a detective case.
At the age of seven, I had open-heart surgery(my last surgery ever), & the scar was right in the center of my chest, pink & bumpy, still fresh.
I couldn’t help but feel ashamed by it, insecure, and “ugly” within my beauty.
You never got to see it. It was the reason for clothing myself up entirely throughout the elementary and junior high school.
Even in the summer (yes— even in Arizona’s roasting summers), I wore long-sleeve shirts, sweaters & jeans due to me comparing myself to you; I even wore t-shirts to pool field-trips – I know you remember.
I felt “excluded,” judged & alienated. Even when those who were kind enough sought to include me, I’d retreat. I became corrupted by anger, & I let it rot in me for years.
Anger (like any other emotion), is only useful if we utilize it, but it took a long while for me to do so.
As my mom became a stranger by not being home a lot, I felt less and less supported both maternally and paternally(no longer having a dad around nor a mom who could guide me).
I slept a lot at home to dissociate. No drugs, no smoking, no drinking, no sex, no parties to “escape” – it just wasn’t my thing.
It was through reading that I found a way to avoid the emotions temporarily. I wasn’t taught how to work with and transmute my negative energy into positive energy!
I spent my lunch hours reading in the library and sometimes even in the restroom when the library was closed.
These are some “theories” I’ve gathered about you…
- You only sought to build in me what you could not destroy within yourself. – You wanted me to make insecurity and discomfort within myself.
- You sought to take from me what you couldn’t build within yourself. – Love and attention.
- You sought to compete with me to defend an identity. – To maintain the essence of being “superior,” you needed someone to play the “inferior” role (me).
Now, “how did I turn out?” you may ask.
Well, a narc seeks to be the center of attention, and I did the best I could’ve done – accept & honor your existence by living my best life.
It was when I gravitated inwards, the very depths of my being, instead of dwelling on the perspective I assumed you held of me, that I became free.
In high school, probably late freshman year, I released my full-body-clothed attire obsession. I spoke more. I got into a college prep class (though I chose not to attend college).
My grades were never good, but I was always trying my best + I got into an advanced English class where I might share; I wasn’t terrible.
I began writing poetry and soon expanded into longer pieces to inspire, move & transform others’ lives – this was where I utilized my encaged anger & transmuted it.
I speak clearly (for the most part) & have no accent – zero, none, cero! Perhaps the extensive reading back in elementary and junior high + some more throughout high school, hm?
Meditation encapsulated me, and then my life went on and upwards. No rage any longer. I don’t despise you or any other—quite the opposite. My chest/heart is open – perhaps more opening needs to occur, but I’ve surpassed the most massive barrier.
I became the Alchemist I am because of you. No Alchemist works with one (anything/anyone) without knowing its counterpart — therefore, you were a gift even if I couldn’t see it then.
What I do wonder is, would you’ve done the same thing if I spoke your language from the start?
Perhaps not, because I was wise & with a glare, I’m sure you’d snap. I could not only communicate that entitled you to permeate such a charade.
This is it, dear one. I trust you love yourself now. I love you. See you in another version of the now, perhaps.
Not yours, truly,
Daniela Grageda is an Intuitive Writer, Messenger, & Alchemist among many other “titles”.
Her intent is to help you remember & awaken your divinity through meditative weavings, intuitive guidance & being.
Daniela is the author of The Cauldron of The Weaving Alchemist – A guide into The New Era 101 (Ebook).
Struggling With C-PTSD?
I often say that living with a narcissist is like living in a war zone! This comparison may very well seem hyperbolic, but research has shown that living around narcissists can have the same effects on a person’s mind as people living in a war zone!
I wrote an article describing the “10+ Mental Illnesses Caused By Staying With Narcissists“.
These people are monsters, plain and simple.
If you are struggling with emotional flashbacks, dealing with mental and emotional battles that NO ONE but yourself seems to see and feel, and if you find it hard to get out of bed every day, you may be dealing with C-PTSD.
As great as support groups may be, or as profound as articles can be, they are no substitute for professional help.
Sometimes the best way to heal and move forward is with therapy.
Speaking with someone and getting the hurt off your chest is a great way to unload.
Online Therapy is a site that offers visitors the chance to speak with professional therapists who will be able to help you get through your emotional and psychological battles.
If you sign up with my link, you can get 20% off your first month’s session.