Learning how to letting go of the hurt and pain.
It can be one of the hardest challenges we will ever face in our lives; learning how to let go of the hurt.
Moving on from an event that took so much of our time, our energy, our hopes, and dreams, but most importantly…ourselves, can be challenging.
Waking up to the constant ruminating thoughts of what we allowed this person to do, what we put up for so long, and what we ignored (the red flags) can make us feel guilty.
It is as if we betrayed ourselves, and that type of hurt can linger on for months, years, decades, a whole lifetime if we don’t learn how to let go of the hurt and move on.
Losing who we are is easily the most devasting part of being with a narcissistic partner.
Trying to get back to who we were before we met the narcissist is a battle that often time seems like it is not winnable.
But it is.
After leaving my narcissistic relationships, I felt angry, upset, vengeful (oh, so very vengeful), and I truly regretted the TIME I gave to them.
And it was only until I stumbled upon this philosophy that my anger subsided, and my appreciation for life came back.
In this article, I will explain how to let go of the hurt and move on with your one life.
To continue to ruminate over the past will only rob you of your present and stop you from ever having a happy future.
Note: This article includes affiliate links!
How To Let Go Of The Hurt: Let Go Of Past Hurt
Letting go of emotional pain is not easy.
The brain can process that the person we were with was a monster in human skin.
But the heart has a hard time processing this.
It doesn’t quite know how to understand how the person we gave so much time, love, and life to could just use, abuse, and betray the gifts we have given to them.
And for this reason letting go of emotional pain can be one hell of a battle.
So to help you in your journey of learning how to let go of the hurt, here are 9 tips that you can do today to start letting go of emotional pain.
What Can I Do To Stop Feeling Hurt?
- Create powerful mantras that you tell yourself every day that you wake up (Affirmations that you say to yourself)
- Ghosting the toxic person or going No Contact will do wonders
- Start engaging in hobbies that bring you joy
- Talk to yourself as you would your child
- Allow the negative emotions to come out
- Consider therapy
- Understand they will NEVER apologize to you
- Journal the person you want to become
- Surround yourself with good people
- Memento Mori
Create Powerful Mantras: How To Let Go Of The Hurt
It is SO IMPORTANT to speak positively to yourself.
Because Lord knows you will most likely not get positive feedback about who you are from the world.
Our findings revealed that somewhere between 60 and 70 percent of the average students’ spontaneously occurring thoughts are negative.Psychology Today
Choose a few affirmations that speak to you and resonate with your spirit and write them down in a journal or notepad.
Pick 7 to 13 of these affirmations and speak these affirmations to yourself every day when you wake up for 15 minutes.
It would help if you fed your mind the right things to have the day you want.
We feel depressed, anxious, vindictive because we replay over and over the negative antics of the narcissist we were with.
This is one reason why letting go of emotional pain can be challenging because all we do all day is just feed the negative thoughts.
By speaking certain mantras and affirmations to yourself, you will be feeding your mind the exact things it needs to learn how to let go of the hurt and move on with your life.
A popular mantra that you might want to rehearse (letting go of things you can‘t control):
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Ghosting Them/ No Contact
Narcissistic people are toxic people, and they are toxic in every sense of the word. Imagine living near Chernobyl and wondering why your health is declining.
The reason it is declining is that you are living near a toxic city. If you want to get better, you have to move as far away as you can from that city.
Ghosting is the act of us completely getting off the narcissist radar. We become like rogue agents. The narcissist cannot find us on social media, they can reach out to us by phone, and they cannot access our email account because we have changed all of these things.
Now, this not only hurts the narcissist, but it also heals us. Removing everything about the narcissist from our lives allows us to learn how to let go of the hurt because we lose all contact with this person.
In time, the hurt will slowly start to go away. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen as long as you try these different tips and strategies.
No Contact means just that; we have entirely NO CONTACT, no interactions with narcissistic and toxic people.
What are some things that genuinely bring you happiness? Write out a list of things you enjoyed doing before you met the narcissist and start engaging and participating in these hobbies again.
Talk To Yourself As You Would Your Child
Think about this, would you keep bringing up how bad it was for your child to ignore the red flags?
Would you keep bringing up how silly they were for overlooking all the signs that the person they were with was a narcissist?
Would you keep beating your child emotionally after they have been so psychologically abused?
Most likely, you wouldn’t.
So, why in the world would you do that to yourself?
You fell in love with a monster.
And you know what, you were not the only one.
I have as well and millions more of us have.
Everybody plays the fool, but we don’t have to remain a fool.
Learn from the past and start building those boundaries as so not to fall prey again to these monsters.
Let The Negative Emotions Out
Keeping these negative emotions in your heart will only turn your heart dark, and your views on life and people will become tainted.
When this happens, you become what I like to call the “Broken Empath.”
A person who becomes an entirely unwilling puppet of the narcissist. A person who has become so psychologically broken by the narcissist that they start to think like the narcissist, act like the narcissist and even feel what the narcissist feels.
By letting out your anger, you allow that poison to come out instead of stay inside and destroy you from within.
Vent! Vent! And Vent!
Cry! Cry! And Cry!
Whatever you do, get this negativity off your chest.
The best place for you to vent and get that anger out of your heart and get professional, informative, and helpful advice will be in therapy.
As much as my blogs or other blogs can be enlightening, they are no substitute for professional help.
Speaking with a therapist will help you unravel all the reasons you stayed in these toxic relationships for so long and get to the root of the issues as to why you keep attracting people like this into your life.
I highly recommend that you give therapy a try as it could help you need to finally learn how to let go of the hurt and move on with your life.
Sign up with my affiliate link at Online Therapy and get 20% off your first month’s session.
They Will Never Apologize
This will be hard for so many of us who are trying to let go of past hurt.
The apology for many can give us that closure that so many of us feel we NEED.
And although an apology and having them admit what they did was wrong and that they have some remorse can do wonders for our healing process, you have to know that the narcissist KNOWS THIS, hence, refuses not to give us the apology.
Heck, they will go on a massive smear campaign and do everything they can to vilify us and make us out as the bad guys, the crazy ones, and the ones who destroyed the relationship.
They will not take accountability for their action, which will be one of the primary reasons why it is hard for some of us to learn how to let go of the hurt.
But if you can muster the strength and just accept the fact they will never apologize, NOT accept what they did as okay, but accept that they will never apologize, you will move more in the direction of healing.
Journal Your Thoughts
Almost every great person in history took the time to journal their thoughts at night or throughout the day.
Journaling is a great way to remind yourself of where you want to go in life.
This circles around back to mantras and what we are telling ourselves. By journaling, YOU are becoming the author of your life and directing your own path.
Surround Yourself With Good People
It turns out that happiness is contagious. So contagious, in fact, that it can help to alleviate depression. A study has found that by surrounding yourself with positive and happy people you can become more cheerful yourself.Metro UK
Surrounding yourself with happy, carefree and upbeat spirits can do amazing things for your own spirit.
Memento Mori: My Favorite Tip
Memento Mori is Latin, and it means, “Remember, you are going to die.”
Now, for many people, when they hear me say, “this is the first thing I tell myself when I wake up,” it puts them off a bit.
Quite often, they reply to this statement with a look of sadness or confusion.
“Why would you tell yourself this,” they usually ask.
And I reply, “because life is too short to waste.”
After leaving a narcissist, it is reasonable to have feelings of hurt, pain, confusion, and even vengeful thoughts.
It is normal to want to get justice.
But with toxic people, they do not understand the wrongs they do because they do not have empathy. To them, hurting us is not anything to get to worked up about.
And this is usually the number one reason why we get so worked up.
We think to ourselves, “they hurt us and don’t even care.”
But it is THIS way of thinking that keeps us STUCK in the past.
It keeps us from healing and stops us from learning how to let go of the hurt.
But by understanding that death is just around the corner and that I do not have an infinite amount of tomorrows ahead of me, I can refocus my thinking and thoughts on the things that matter.
This is a thought from the school of Stoicism.
What Is Stoicism?
Stoicism is the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint. – Oxford Dictionary
In perhaps one of my favorite books of all time, called “Meditations”, the author Marcus Aurelius wrote in regards to greeting his day:
“Say to yourself in the early morning: I shall meet today ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men. All of these things have come upon them through ignorance of real good and ill… I can neither be harmed by any of them, for no man will involve me in the wrong, nor can I be angry with my kinsman or hate him, for we have come into the world to work together.” – Marcus Aurelius
It is an unfortunate realization about life that we will meet unsavory people. They are everywhere. But in having a higher understanding of them, we can better tolerate their existence.
And tolerating doesn’t mean we accept them — but we understand that there are just people like them that exist and we don’t HAVE to be like them or with them.
We Feel Hurt Because We Expected More
What hurts us the most about the split from the narcissist comes down to the idea that we expected so much more from them. And that is where the hurt really comes from.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” – Marcus Aurelius
We sorely underestimate our power. And the reason is that we have GIVEN it to others for so long. This is precisely why I champion the idea of NO CONTACT.
The moment you kick them out of your life is the moment you embrace who you were before you met them.
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
In understanding that most people are not mentally aware, and coupling that with the idea that we are aware, we can have a better understanding of the world.
But more so a better understanding of ourselves.
Stoicism is about taking 100% control of our emotions and your life. By giving in to the hate, the hurt, the anger, and the vengeance — we ultimately lose to the narcissist.
Narcissists, as I so often write, cannot love. And the only way to get back at them for what they have done is to move on and be happy and successful with OUR lives.
Life Is A Gift
How I learned to let go and move on came in the form of me, realizing that I have limited days ahead of me. And every day that I ruminate over the past is a day that I waste.
It is also a day that I give to the narcissist, who is no longer in my life.
This is not a mindset that will come overnight. But the more you read about it, and the more you research it, I am wholly confident that it will give you a stronger mindset to regulate your emotions and that it will also give you a better appreciation for life.
The narcissist may have ruined some time of your life, but if we keep thinking about them, they will destroy ALL OF OUR LIVES.
Learn to live for you.
Your future self will thank you.