It can be a crushing feeling to be wronged, harmed, used, and manipulated and then simply tossed to the side as if we were nothing. And then waiting….waiting for an apology that will never come. If you are waiting for an apology then stop waiting for the apology.
Because with narcissistic people…it will never come.
And I know for many, just having the narcissists say that “I am sorry” that it could do so much to your healing process.
Just knowing that they acknowledge the wrong and the pain that they inflicted upon us that it can feel like a weight off of our shoulders.
And just knowing that maybe…deep down past the hard exterior that they try and show, that they did have some semblance of…love for us. That maybe they did actually care a bit about us, if not as much as we may have thought they did.
If only they could show that we were important to them at some time in life we could feel like…we mattered.
Our Suffering Is A Choice
The suffering that we feel is a product of our own making. And I know the narcissist may have taken a portion of our life when we were with them.
But the time that we GIVE THEM — when they are no longer in our lives by waiting for an apology — only hurts us more every day.
An apology may help ease the pain but waiting on that apology will destroy you in worse ways than had you remained with your narcissist.
Because you start to torture yourself on the behalf of the narcissist.
Believe me….believe me, I have had to deal with SO MANY narcissists in my past. I have had family members who were narcissistic to me. I had “friends” who were narcissistic to me. Co-workers and bosses. Strangers on the damn street.
And damn…did that dog growl at me for just walking in the door? I can’t seem to catch a break.
I have had so many people do me wrong and do me wrong PUBLICLY.
Laughing. Teasing. Mocking. And destroying my image. Singing praises of how they got me fired. Set me up for failure. Or just was able to separate me from a love interest.
But in waiting and hoping for an apology and waiting for these people to see the error of their ways I only hurt myself.
There are just a lot of nasty people out there in the world. And you have to learn how to take your blows in life. Get back up and keep moving forward.
Happiness… is not a guarantee of life.
What To Do When Someone Won’t Apologize
“When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power.” Anonymous
Accept what they did.
My thinking when it comes to healing from a narcissistic relationship is that we must accept the wrong that they have done to us.
Trying to change the past or trying to get others to see what they did to us is just a WASTE OF TIME.
Narcissistic people do not care about the lives that they destroy. Their flying monkeys do not see their actions as bad but as a show of power.
“Oh. Lookie. Master has destroyed another life. They are so powerful.”
And then you have to…HAVE TO know that most people you come across in life will NOT CARE about the wrong you may have gone through.
Because they are too focused on the wrong that happened to them.
“Hey, that’s too bad what happened about to you….NOT MY PROBLEM!”
Everyone is wronged in life. And this is why so many people are scowling, on edge, and always angry.
The happiest among us and the most successful among us are those who have learned to accept the bad things in our life and then turn that into a source of power and inspiration.
How To Forgive When The Apology Never Comes
“They caused the first wound, but you are causing the rest; this is what not forgiving does. They got it started, but you keep it going. Forgive and let it go, or it will eat you alive. You think they made you feel this way, but when you won’t forgive, you are the one inflicting the pain on yourself.” Bryant McGill
After accepting the wrong that they have done to you, you can now start to see them as the people they are.
Which is UNCHANGEABLE.
They will not change and they will never be sympathetic to your pain. By knowing that these people lack empathy and that they lack the basic emotions such as love and empathy you can now see them for what they are.
A hopeless lot.
How To Move On Without An Apology: Stop Waiting For The Apology
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” Paul Boose
I preach this phrase as much as I preach No Contact.
Memento Mori is Latin for “Remember that you are going to die.”
I tell myself this EVERY MORNING that I wake up. It is the first thing I tell myself as soon as my conscious arises in me.
As morbid as this may sound it is easily one of the most liberating thought I have in a day.
Just knowing that I will die someday and that death could come at any time.
My focus, my concerns, my thoughts, and my actions in life are moved in the direction of always striving to be the best person that I can be.
We do NOT get a second go with this thing called life.
There is NO REDO.
There is no: “Wait god. I didn’t like the life I lived. Can I do it again?”
Once we are dead…that’s it. Game over.
(Well, at least that is how I see.)
Just knowing that we only get ONE GO at this life is reason enough to forgive the narcissistic person for the wrong they did and move on with life.
The thing that frightens me most in life is getting on my death bed and looking back at my life…FULL OF REGRET.
Regret at wasting so much of my life WAITING ON AN APOLOGY that was never going to come.
My fellow survivors. We get one go. We have one life. And we have all the power in us to move on.
We don’t need their apology, their acceptance, and their love (HA! Like they have love; for others).
Everything we WANT from them, we already have within ourselves.
Forgive and move on because life is too much of a gift to waste on trash.
Final Thoughts – Khalil Gibran: The Prophet
I end with this poem by one of my favorite poets and writers of all time. Khalil Gibran. In his book “The Prophet” (YOU HAVE TO READ THIS) the character Al Mustafa, who is a prophet, is about to leave a village. And right before he boards his boat to leave, the people of the city come to meet him.
They ask him many questions on life and the human condition. To which Al Mustafa answer.
I highly recommend that you give this book a read. It really is a great book that touches on so many of the human conditions and explains them in such a beautifully literary way.
You can read the full book here for free (kindly complete a 4-minute survey to get access to the book) The Prophet.
(This is an affiliate link. By completing the survey you really help out my website. Thanks and much appreciated.)
The Prophet: On Pain
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the
daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem
less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the
winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within
you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy
in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by
the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burns your lips, has
been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has
moistened with His own sacred tears.
No Shame In Therapy
Narcissistic people can do wonder on someone’s mind and psychology.
In fact, I wrote an article called “10+ Mental Illnesses Caused By Staying With A Narcissists“.
The narcissists and their legion of fools can slowly drive you insane. And sometimes the best help you can ever receive is from a stranger.
When everyone around you is trying to convince you that YOU are the bad person, sometimes an objective view of you from someone you don’t know maybe what saves you from drowning in the sea of insanity the narc and their legion of fools try and drown you in.
Therapy can help heal in ways that reading blogs, listening to videos, and talking with other WARRIORS (we are not survivors, we are warriors) can ever do.
Join my Facebook Fan Page “No Shame In Therapy” to get a 20% discount on your first-month session, as well as articles and updates on the benefits of therapy.
Narcs have a legion of fools behind them to hurt you, I think it would be a good thing to build your own army of warriors and allies to help stand by your side.